"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and pray to me, and I will listen to you."
"You will seek me, and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart." "I will be found by you, says the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity."
~Jeremiah 29:11-14
This message is very common to believers of God and the Bible, yet so often we forget His promises because we get lost in the here-and-now demands that command our absolute attention. I have found in my own personal life that I get caught up in all the blessings of opportunities God has bestowed upon me. I become weary because I lose sight of Him and instead look at all the stuff that soon overwhelms me with anxiety and bitterness. Instead of blessings from God, they are seen as obligations and commitments to fulfill. Blessings in themselves are supposed to be seen as intrinsic goods from God to be received with love and thanksgiving, but are instead warped into extrinsic commitments needing work to earn happiness, therefore not received in love and thanksgiving. Without God's guidance through the Holy Spirit leading my common sense and discernment in how much I can realistically accomplish in one day, days become habitually too full, too much to handle, too much to chew, and burning the candle at both ends only leads to a shriveled, burnt wick without a flame.
I have found that so much of why I am unable to fully enjoy life is because I send out too much, work too hard for too long, and focus too much and burn out too soon. Somehow in this college life, I have forgotten what it was like to receive with joy, love, and thanksgiving, knowing that I cannot give anything back. I keep so many at arms length because I've been hurt by those who I actually let in. Friendship, love, consistent community with the same people is not worth it to me; at least that's how I've been living. My inability to receive with joy and thanksgiving has transferred into the lack of excitement for food, a consistent schedule, personal hobbies that I genuinely find enjoyable, and breathing-- of all things.
The more I find myself away from God, the less I breath, since for so long, He has been the air that I breathe. This concerns me considerably, since I need air not only to live, but to sing, to dance, to exercise, and to act, to my considerable surprise of how important breath is for connecting emotions to objectives. I honestly do not think I'm worth it, and there's nothing worse than feeling inadequate and alone.
But I must remember that these voices in my head are telling me lies. That is what makes the love of Jesus so beautiful. He gave his life because he loves us, no strings attached and no good works required to earn it. There is nothing we can do to be good enough or worth enough, because we've all fallen short. We are so dependent on God since the fall, because the infiltration of evil is latched onto ourselves, trying to guide us away from who we really are into the path of unhappiness, death, and despair. Jesus is like the ultimate tree of life, and we are the vines. Apart from him, life simply does not make sense, has no meaning whatsoever. The thought of having no worth is awful, the awful is the opposite of goodness and happiness, of love, which is what we desire most.
Anyway, receiving is just as important as giving, and it sickens me to think how poisoned my perception of giving and receiving has become. My parents always told me, "when someone gives you a compliment, do not be prideful about it, but receive it humbly." When I thought of how to receive humbly as a young child, I thought about telling them all my faults and using sadness to show my humility. And when that didn't seem right, since evoking pity is like another form of pride, I instead went for "receiving with grace" which meant thanking them politely without truly receiving (and by receiving I mean believing) their compliment. What does grace and humility mean? I think I need a definition check.
Merriam-Webster... AWAY!
Grace:(noun) unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification; the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful.
Synonyms- kindness, benevolence, courtesy, favor, mercy, indulgence, favor
Humility: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission
Synonyms- lowly, meek, modest, down-to-earth, unassuming, unpretentious
It seems strange and unnatural to take a position where you cannot be proud of your hard work. I would think God would want us to be proud of our achievements and accomplishments. I think he does, but unfortunately I was already doing this, and went too far into thinking that I couldn't be proud of my accomplishments at all, but take a position of sadness and thus actual feel unworthy to receive any compliments at all. Only criticisms, which make me "better." Yuck! That is an awful way to think. Now there is a giant wall to break down to that I can once more receive with true grace and humility, taking joy in my being fearfully and wonderfully made for the works God has designed for me to do in advance. I do not have to take on such a heavy "giving" mode without expecting anything in return, because quite simply, I am NOT God. I never created the heavens and the earth, died for anyone's sins, or sent the Holy Spirit on my beckoning whim to inhabit anyone's spiritual life. I am human girl, a daughter of Christ, who has forgotten her place in striving for perfection, which can only exist with God leading the way.
Dear Heavenly Creator and Father Who Has Everything In the Palm of His Hand,
Please be my guide and help me through this life, remembering who I am in relation to you and others. Please whisper lovingly in my ear how much you love me, how much you have planned for my life, and continue to send your Holy Spirit to guide my path so I will not fall into the path of death. Let my soul look up with a steady hope in your everlasting sovereignty, and that everything I am and do matters to you. Do not let this world ensnare me with lies telling me to earn my salvation, my worth, and my place in this world. You have saved me to be free with you. Love me, O Lord, for I know not whom else to receive this gift except you. I trust you and you alone. Restore to me my joy through your precious promise to never leave me or forsake me. May my words be few, my love overflowing, and my actions come from my receiving your everlasting love. Give me patience to know that there is a time and a place for everything in this life, and to wait patiently on you and not rely on my own understanding, which is limited, while yours is omniscient. Finally, for now, open my eyes to the things unseen, and show me how to love like you have loved me. Teach me to receive, so that I may know fully how to give, and in giving and receiving, love you fully and love others.
P.S. Today in church, the song "This is the air I breathe" came on, and I started laughing and tearing up simultaneously. Even down to our basic principles of life, exhaling means nothing without first an inhale.
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