"Sometimes in our lives,
we feel a disconnect between what we want and feel
and what's actually happening"
Things are not going well-- well, not right now at least.
I think sometimes it is good to cry. I finally gave clarity to what has been troubling me for the past few months, and particularly the past few weeks. How did this clarity come about? The rawest form of honesty I can comprehend: tears bursting forth in an act of complete release of self and utter vulnerability to how I REALLY feel, contrary to the walls of control I've built around myself-- telling myself things are alright-- convincing myself that I am okay.
No... things are not alright.
No... I am not okay.
Not really.
God never asked us to deny our anguish, nor suppress our turmoil if ever we felt bad about our life and it's current circumstances. Rather, He is there to walk us through it, promising there's hope and light at the end of this valley of death, encompassing worries of this life in this world, of which I currently traverse.
Here's my dilemma.
1) I love Theatre.
2) I love Music.
3) I love Dancing.
4) I love using my mind.
5) I make patterns, connections, and use words as vehicles for expressing myself and my ideas.
6) I love sports.
7) I have so much drive and so much passion.
8) I need to find a niche where I can pour out my energy and slave away and lose myself in it's magic.
9) Preferably, including everything mentioned above.
10) Why? For God-- because I will further the glorious kingdom of heaven on earth, and make life more laughable and enjoyable for others through God who gives me strength. I have this vision where justice is just and honesty truly is the best policy and everybody can relax and have a fulfilling life because everyone knows they are equally as important in the skills and talents they have to offer and equally deserving of love and acceptance and that there is SO MUCH MORE than what we're settling for.
11) Who for? Others. God is changing my heart for servitude. To work for others means my life is important for them to survive.I am needed. And I will gladly serve you because it means my life is worth something. I just want to work for and serve other people; it would give me great joy and fulfillment.
Here's the rub.
I have no idea what I want to do.
I have no idea where I should go.
I am so lost because I know what I love
and I cannot see where it'll take me.
I have my dad's mind.
My mother's intuition.
And a sustaining energy for others
that comes only by faith.
But I have no clue what to work towards.
I have no tangible goals.
False.
I have plenty of tangible goals.
All of them are very hard to achieve short-term.
And then there's me.
Am I okay with who I am becoming?
Am I too adaptable, molding to others,
without thought of how my choices are molding me?
Am I good enough just the way I am right now?
I feel like I think too much to be in theatre.
Or that there's something that'll fit me better.
Am I open to that?
That would be a shift in priority.
I finally just broke down and wept.
There's no point hiding my feelings from myself.
Life is uncertain, and usually that brings me great joy.
Uncertainty means relying on improvisation :)
Thinking on your feet without preparation.
But I see the other side now.
Life is uncertain.
Uncertainty means preparing for as many things as possible,
so you don't have to worry later when life gets harder.
Here's the rub.
When do you ever prepare enough?
Is there ever a point of contentment?
No, there is never a point of contentment
when we set our own boundaries of productivity.
I just want to go somewhere with my life.
The subtle snares and busy trappings of this world
ensnare my independence through Christ.
Understanding dawns whenever I read a Psalmist proclaiming,
"My enemies did their best to kill me."
Yes, it all makes sense now, in a bittersweet sort of way.
So here is my monument. Life is uncertain and it reduces me to shuddering and shaking with glistening sheets of hopelessness and confusion because I'm finally coming clean that I don't have any idea what I am supposed to do.
With that... I am determined not to stay this way.
"What is the greatest commandment in the Bible," asked the Pharisees, hoping to trap Jesus.
Jesus replied,
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and all your mind.
This is the first and greatest commandment.
A second is equally as important: 'Love you neighbor as yourself.'
I'll start there.
That's all I can do.
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