I am only human

I find myself stunned at how much a person can grow in a few months... or shrink, depending on the case. I don't know what God has promised for me. All I can register right now is my deal with him before I came to APU.

"God? You have blessed me immensely in the musical theatre industry within the region throughout my childhood, all the way up to now. I feel completely satisfied in the person you are sculpting me to be. You are the Creator and I am the clay. When I go to APU, I will go in with my eyes wide open for other areas of interests if you so choose to put me in another field of study. You have blessed me with what I've wanted for so long. Now it's time to do your business..."

Here's where I get stuck. For not only are human feelings current and fleeting as the days and nights (because now I long for the stage, the music, the dance numbers) but what if I was doing God's business while doing the things which I love? Should give up doing the things I so love to make room for God's will in my life? Are my passions assets given by God to multiply and invest in? Do I have it wrong? Am I trying too hard? What's the deal? Better yet, should I just not think about following God's will so much to the point of paranoia? That might save some hysteria, just maybe.

It really sucks (for lack of a better word) to find the line where God's interests end and my interests begin, because I try to empty myself daily of me, and try to fill with more of you, God. Quite frankly, I feel like I'm getting it wrong sometimes. I want SOOOO badly to do your will, but at the cost of the creative energies you have so blessed me with.

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF ME???

It's like I am a walking light of God, literally light. A not-solid form of energy that makes other things grow, but in itself does not grow. It gives it's energy to others for the world to blossom. But at it's expense. I'm doing a fabulous job of letting others know how special they are, yet never give anytime for what I want to do. You know why? Because I do not know what I want to do. What I love is shallow, self-important, sometimes mean-spirited, and somewhat degrading depending on the part you receive in a particular production. The more I grow with God, the more I grow away from everything I've built myself upon, me and God together.

But now it's just God. No "me" this time.

I watched a talented grad student play three sections of piano concertos during Performance Forum today (a monday class for music majors, but I go to experience the magic of talented musicians) and her skill as a pianist blew me away. Her gift was tangible, well-practiced, and passionate, gleaming with professionalism from the first note to the last decrescendo.

Somewhere in the middle of her piece I began crying.

It was stupid too, because she was so rehearsed, and I have nothing to stand behind besides other people's remarks of having "it,"the "whole package" and having done musicals since I could remember. Great, but when did I ever rehearse outside of a production? Never, not unless it was a structured class or rehearsal. Essentially, I've never diligently practiced anything that was self-structured. I am fleeting, fickle, and I despise how much I despise practicing on my own.

Breaking down at the prayer chapel, I didn't even know what to say to God, because I've gotten so off-center with who I am internally, like I've been playing the extrovert for too long and my mind went into hysterics, begging to be heard and not just studied with.

SO... I'm blocked.

Wonderful.

Who am I?

I am only human.

I rejoice and weep in my humanity, because God knows how hard I try and still fail, yet He loves me so much anyway. It's hard to embrace. Why can't I stand confidently to you, unashamed of who I am right now? And why oh why oh why won't my voice recover to it's healthy state? Am I singing too hard and practicing too little and writing too much?

I couldn't say. I am lost.

Heavenly Father, show me the way. Help me build Heaven on earth and show me where I should pour out my time and energy in a tangible set of skills and interests which the passions which you've instilled within me. Give me bold courage to face the world and it's ugliness with a light that cannot be put out. I give my all to you. Fill me with love, grace, confidence, and discernment... with patience through it all. I love you, and I hope this love will increase as I get to know you more as a friend and father as well as a master and creator. Your will is mine. Amen.