A Desire to Live in Kairos.

Kairos: (noun)

The ancient Greeks had two words for time, chronos and kairos. While the former refers to chronological or sequential time, the latter signifies a time in between, a moment of undetermined period of time in which something special happens.

While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature.

I need you as the ocean needs the shore.
As the air I breathe.
As water needs a stream which guides its purpose.
For 'tis you who surpass the questions of this world.
You invented architecture, and designed hidden doors.

You delight in us, your children.

The earth's creation; a speck amidst the ranks of space and stars.
Yet you love us. And care forever. You always will love us. And renew us unconditionally.

Keep one foot in front of the other.

Keep one foot in front of the other.

Our intricate ways are of your intellect inspired.
You wrap your head around the invention of a playground that "is."

Teach us to see.

Teach us to listen.

Teach us to follow.

Teach us to sing.

Moving with the sun. Moving toward the Son.

Revelation.

Slow Down.

Trust and Obey.

Pure Joy.

In the New Testament, Kairos means "the appointed time in the purpose of God", the time when God acts.

I desire nothing more than to live within the bliss of Kairos, a place where God is more real than anything seen.

Here is place where we can meet:

to play

to listen

to talk

to hug

to laugh

to cry

to scream

to vent

and give it all up to Him.

Day by day. Day by day.

Maybe then we will truly know what it means to Love.

Peace & Joy

I am joyful because I am saved.

I am humble because I am wicked.

At Peace?

Spread the Joy!

"The heart-spinning mixture of Peace and Joy desires an outlet toward bettering the world, or else it feels a bit like anxiety."

Peace is often thrown out as a general word in our society. True peace is felt when, at the end of the day lying in bed, God and I are perfectly aligned in our motives as one heart and one body, and I feel content and satisfied with how life turns out, even if the twists and turns are surprising and unexpected. He's always there in everything I do and think and say and see, and He has given me free reign to choose between acknowledging this truth or turning a blind eye.

I think this is why Peace feels so great; it requires OUR choice and OUR sheer will to simply let go of who we've built up ourselves to be and simply let life live how God planned; when this decision clicks within us, we co-operate with our Creator! We are co-architects in building something BIG and BEAUTIFUL! We are fulfilling our innate desire to leave our mark on the world. This faith practiced daily floods the soul with Peace because we do, indeed, have a purpose unique and all our own in God's big picture!

This practice also requires, in my case, a healthy lifestyle,

which includes getting to bed sometime before 11:00pm.

The time now: 12:42am.

Oooooooooookayyyy. Time for bed. I just felt like Peace and Joy are important for not only Christmas season, but as a daily lifestyle. I'm a big lifestyle person, because I believe the essential things should never feel like chores: sleeping at a regular hour, eating nutritious food, exercising, serving others with a humble and joyful heart, and respecting my parents and their instructions even though I am dying to be left alone to be my OWN person. Above all, giving God the glory though it all. So yeah.. lifestyles are a part of our identity. We practice our lifestyles through choices made daily, so let us fill our lifestyles with the rich practices of healthy living in mind, body and spirit that produce the God-given fruits of Peace and Joy!

A Christmas Song.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Old Jack Frost nipping at my nose.
Yule Tide Carols being sung by a choir.
A folks dressed up like eskimos.

OR...


Popcorn popping in the microwave.
Oregon's chill came early again.
Watching Sing-Off on Hulu free of charge.
And I'm putting on my favorite ugly sweater.

Everybody knows, when family reunites again.

Love and joy among the few

Of feelings to feel, and fights to be fought.

Which brings us to what family's all about.

We know that God is to be praised.
For all our laughter amidst cheery company.

He keeps us sheltered in the comforts of His love.

Our Father wraps His coat around us from above.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase.

To kids on Facebook, and all their parents.

Although it's been sung, many times many ways.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah!

Smiles and Love to all this Christmas night.

I am only human

I find myself stunned at how much a person can grow in a few months... or shrink, depending on the case. I don't know what God has promised for me. All I can register right now is my deal with him before I came to APU.

"God? You have blessed me immensely in the musical theatre industry within the region throughout my childhood, all the way up to now. I feel completely satisfied in the person you are sculpting me to be. You are the Creator and I am the clay. When I go to APU, I will go in with my eyes wide open for other areas of interests if you so choose to put me in another field of study. You have blessed me with what I've wanted for so long. Now it's time to do your business..."

Here's where I get stuck. For not only are human feelings current and fleeting as the days and nights (because now I long for the stage, the music, the dance numbers) but what if I was doing God's business while doing the things which I love? Should give up doing the things I so love to make room for God's will in my life? Are my passions assets given by God to multiply and invest in? Do I have it wrong? Am I trying too hard? What's the deal? Better yet, should I just not think about following God's will so much to the point of paranoia? That might save some hysteria, just maybe.

It really sucks (for lack of a better word) to find the line where God's interests end and my interests begin, because I try to empty myself daily of me, and try to fill with more of you, God. Quite frankly, I feel like I'm getting it wrong sometimes. I want SOOOO badly to do your will, but at the cost of the creative energies you have so blessed me with.

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF ME???

It's like I am a walking light of God, literally light. A not-solid form of energy that makes other things grow, but in itself does not grow. It gives it's energy to others for the world to blossom. But at it's expense. I'm doing a fabulous job of letting others know how special they are, yet never give anytime for what I want to do. You know why? Because I do not know what I want to do. What I love is shallow, self-important, sometimes mean-spirited, and somewhat degrading depending on the part you receive in a particular production. The more I grow with God, the more I grow away from everything I've built myself upon, me and God together.

But now it's just God. No "me" this time.

I watched a talented grad student play three sections of piano concertos during Performance Forum today (a monday class for music majors, but I go to experience the magic of talented musicians) and her skill as a pianist blew me away. Her gift was tangible, well-practiced, and passionate, gleaming with professionalism from the first note to the last decrescendo.

Somewhere in the middle of her piece I began crying.

It was stupid too, because she was so rehearsed, and I have nothing to stand behind besides other people's remarks of having "it,"the "whole package" and having done musicals since I could remember. Great, but when did I ever rehearse outside of a production? Never, not unless it was a structured class or rehearsal. Essentially, I've never diligently practiced anything that was self-structured. I am fleeting, fickle, and I despise how much I despise practicing on my own.

Breaking down at the prayer chapel, I didn't even know what to say to God, because I've gotten so off-center with who I am internally, like I've been playing the extrovert for too long and my mind went into hysterics, begging to be heard and not just studied with.

SO... I'm blocked.

Wonderful.

Who am I?

I am only human.

I rejoice and weep in my humanity, because God knows how hard I try and still fail, yet He loves me so much anyway. It's hard to embrace. Why can't I stand confidently to you, unashamed of who I am right now? And why oh why oh why won't my voice recover to it's healthy state? Am I singing too hard and practicing too little and writing too much?

I couldn't say. I am lost.

Heavenly Father, show me the way. Help me build Heaven on earth and show me where I should pour out my time and energy in a tangible set of skills and interests which the passions which you've instilled within me. Give me bold courage to face the world and it's ugliness with a light that cannot be put out. I give my all to you. Fill me with love, grace, confidence, and discernment... with patience through it all. I love you, and I hope this love will increase as I get to know you more as a friend and father as well as a master and creator. Your will is mine. Amen.