"I'm walking, walking...nothing, nothing.
I'm turning, turning...nothing, nothing.
I'm searching, searching...nothing, nothing.
There's no one there's no one like Him.
Year Two at APU has come and gone, and hardly in as few of words as that. The content of this year has been rippling, like two large stones being tossed into the water that create massive uproar and startling changes. I feel like the events of this past year have seeped deeply into the cracks of my heart where there is now a block of stone, sinking into places of my mind that I have never journeyed or even thought conceivable.
My world as I know it has been shattered, those moments when the life you once knew has once and for all changed irrevocably. There is no going back. The life I had so carefully prepared for myself in the world of theatre became an idolized dream that I fought and cried and hardened my strong-willed and frightfully sensitive heart for, only to realize that my fight was splitting me apart, severing the very person inside of my skin into two pieces-- one the performer, and one the person.
A conflict of what I thought was most desirable, namely a deep conviction to become the best actress I could be, and what truly was most desirable, namely for me to remain a whole person, let go and let the direction of my passions that need not will nor affliction to conjure lead my life in the way God designed for me.
The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?
~Proverbs 20:21~
This verse remains in large, loopy, cursive across the canvas of my whiteboard. Why is there such a need within us to be the boss of every detail in our life? Certainly we can be diligent in the disciplines of our choosing, but when it comes down to the events in our lives (especially the ones involving other people), we come to realize that the older we get, the less we actually control, yet the more we try anyway and sometimes think we succeed. Does this control make us any happier? Well, how would we know? If a person monitors their life like a machine, than a mechanic-like "happiness" he/she will receive; there will be no surprises on their end. Without the spontaneity of unexpected circumstances, how will we ever be able to adapt to the inevitable changes in life? Changing one's perspective into believing you can control you're own destiny is about as frivolous as my hoping that this morning... the sun will not rise. Change is always upon the horizon, literally, and one can only step forward in faith that the Creator of all this quite remarkable stuff around us will be there and smile kindly upon our faces with favor and delight.
This year has taught me that controlling my life is super dumb. Not only does it take the spice and spontaneity out of life's unexpected twists and turns, but it hardens my heart so I cannot feel or react to others, because I've grown so strategic that nothing phases me. The predictability of humankind has calloused my heart from sympathy, empathy, laughter, and pretty much any other original emotion that would otherwise stir within me. That connection is gone, a connection like the mysterious pull that binds atoms together within me in some macroscopic level has left my ability to connect with others.
Now why in the world do people try to control their lives?
There are many reasons.
In my case, I got hurt by life's spontaneity.
Caught up in the breathless rush of springtime love,
Discernment took wing until my mistakes made me flightless.
Investing my time with the spoils of gaiety,
I refused my priceless worth to grapple for affirmation,
From a mere man who cannot satisfy with earthly things
The intangible and insatiable desire for heaven.
Straying from the river, I took to the ocean.
Where many who before me
Have drowned in their parched-ness.
Time hurried by and God intervened,
And saved the divided, self-destruction of me.
The outside was porcelain, the inside was on fire,
As his burning the chaff in my heart made it smolder.
The pain was unquenchable and at night, I laid sick.
I learned that intangibles can manifest real quick
Into physical symptoms that directly
Affect the body's ability to function correctly.
In these times, I knew that God was at work,
To sever the ties I had knotted to a ship that was not His,
Nor looking out for my well-being and need with every hoist of the sail.
Despite the great care and attention which burned with holy sanctification,
A distrust streaked across my heart
Where memory and feeling once joined hand-in-hand.
Perspective spoiled my memories.
Can control take away the pain others inflicted upon me?
I became disciplined, strong.
And with it...
Cold.
A year has passed and my heart does not bleed.
Oh heart! Where is your beat?
Where has your responsiveness hidden,
Away from the world to live in silence?
Where have you locked yourself
So not even you can find it?
My connection is gone; and with it, my theatre,
My hopes and dreams-- flatlined.
Oh God! Restore to me my connection with you
In your good and perfect time.
I am humbled, broken and contrite,
And I meekly await for you to lift me up from the grave.
For you said atop a plateau,
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for there's is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven."
Today's date is June 3, 2012. It is two weeks into summer, and I await the time for God to call me to do the works he has set me to do in advance. I am resting, practicing the art of being with God everywhere I go in everything I do, which quite frankly is not much, and am learning how to get back in touch with God and my's prayer life. This simple act of coming before God with concerns and requests is so good for learning what being a good friend means. God is with me to walk me through R & R (rest and rehabilitation) of the soul. Being a machine that only does and controls and worries, yet never receives or feels for a year takes a lot out of a person. My opinion of myself is that I could not do much even if I tried. But I rejoice even in this time, because despite my neglect for the one who loves me the most, He has continued to be faithful to me, and has blessed me most abundantly.
Not only do I work at a part-time job where I play with kids while promoting parent/child development through music, activities, bubbles, puppets and parachute rides, spend more hours playing video games in one week than I have in years, and even give a whole day to shopping with a friend who only wants to impress a young man, I get time to LIVE. BREATHE. SLEEP. READ. WRITE. PLAY. LISTEN. TALK. THINK. RELAX. LET GO.
Truly, I say, God goes before us and prepares a way for us to live life, and life more abundantly.
For some that is practicing piano 8-12 hours each day, or others it is going to work, coming home to a family, volunteering, and finding joy in a more spread out rhythm of life. One of my greatest desires is to be truly good at something and be disciplined enough to keep at it so I can be great. Currently, I want SO BADLY to be in a dance studio and pick it up as if I never left. But my learning has taught me when I try to control, it falls apart in my hands. I can only love the one who created me, and trust that He goes before to prepare the way for my footsteps to walk-- not run, sprint, or strive-- in the direction where the good desires of my heart lead. From a foundation of love as strong as a rock, I can stand strong and glowing in a passion that cannot be shaken, and from there my works will flow with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Let go. Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up in his good and perfect time. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Creator of all this quite wonderful stuff that is the universe and mystery of mankind. And peace with transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind so you may dwell in the fulfilling tranquility of the Lord Jesus Christ.
He is the only Son of God who willingly came down to earth to endure every human suffering and resisted every earthly temptation so that he might understand all of us in our struggles and that we, in turn, may in some part understand him.
Compassion.
Out of the deepest of all loves, he suffered under Jewish and Roman government, scorned by the ones he came to love, and was killed so that when he descended into death, the part of him that was connected to the Father God defeated the power of death and hell in the ultimate act of forgiveness for our sins, which began when Adam and Eve were deceived by Satan in the Garden of Eden into thinking they could BE God. Being God means understanding the knowledge of good as well as evil, and controlling your own destiny in being your own deity without dependence on anyone else. Sound familiar?
Jesus came, suffered, and then was killed by the ones he came to love and save on the cross of crucifixion, the highest degree of death at the time. He endured the worst, so that we would not have to. Guess what? Now we are now forgiven, and free to come before God in a delightfully intimate and intricate relationship with him. There is no shame and nothing any of us can do to earn this, because Jesus paid it all. What we can do now is receive this with thankfulness and worship the God who loves us, and saved us from ourselves. Out of this outpouring of love will come good things for living in accordance to the good life God designed for us, a life with him expressing this message and giving to those who are in need.
The two commandments are these: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.
He continued in his faithfulness to me, even in times of self-destruction, specifically the Spring of my freshman year into my sophomore year, and He will continue to be faithful in his promise to be with you and be your God.
I am so thankful for the ability to dictate this to you today.
Grace and peace go with you.
Katherine Rose
p.S. I titled this "A tangled moment" because my summer so far has been me singing the famous line , "When will my life begin?" from the movie, Tangled. I have no idea what to study in the fall, whether that be theatre, music education, writing, physical therapy, or massage therapy. And I certainly do not have any idea what the day before me will bring. It is ironic that this piece of writing is in fact my life right now, and that there is nothing better I could be doing than be in this moment right now with Jesus, typing up these thoughts. Go figure, Jesus. You always lived in the present and said things like, The Kingdom of God is at hand!" Which by "at hand" is, like, right now. :P
