Taking A Stand

The battle is not yet over.

Yet the war is already won.

So put your swords down.

Let His will be done.

First off, I am sick of all my anxiety. Why so anxious, Kat? Well I'll tell ya!

Today's worry comes from our sponsor: Christian Acting... to play demoralizing roles or not?

I have decided to take a stand on the situation, because there is nothing so demoralizing as becoming victim to your own fears and anxieties.

Taking it one role at a time, I will carefully and faithfully abide by five things:

1) Follow the red light, yellow light, or green light from the Holy Spirit.

2) Analyze the role and see if I can connect to her/him? :P to play the role effectively and realistically.

3) Look at the overarching message of the script. Does the character have a meaningful impact or is she just a fun-zie role?

4)Does this character's actions make me feel uncomfortable? Why? Is it worth taking the role?

5) If the role is worth taking, separate my life from my character's.

If I don't feel comfortable with a role, I simply won't do it.

You cannot connect with characters you simply do not connect to. Leave that role for someone who can.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

It is impossible for me to play EVERY single role.

Knowing that, I need to give myself some grace and play roles that play up my strengths.

This came about from last night's game night.

We were playing Charades, and I couldn't get them to guess "Lust" (although they got really close), not because I couldn't play it, but because I didn't want to play it. So I tried other ways to make them guess the word without performing something physically compromising. But guess what? The timer ran out... without them guessing the word. I felt like such a failure because I failed to perform something that comes pretty naturally to everyone as human beings.

"Seriously?" I thought to myself, "What's my deal?! Have I really become this conservative, or protected, or over-analytical? What the heck?!?!?!? I'm an actor, and yet I can't do lust??"

It slowly ate at me the rest of the night. After performing for.. oh... you know... my whole entire life, my inability stunned me. I've never been so guarded before.

I realized that I needed to separate myself from the game, because c'mon! It's JUST a game.

But for me it wasn't. It was an exercise of creativity.

Overthinkin' it YET again. I'm just trying to be shrewd, but anxiety is not good and is not right to feel, at least not at this level.

So it is not up to me to decide what sort of roles I will take. God knows me more than any human ever could. He knows what I am capable of, and will find places for me to play and perform to my heart's content where I feel comfortable and not compromising.

My goal, it is written

"Be a light on a stand"

So I will not be afraid,

But let you take my hand.

Remember September?

A new year brings--

whoa! What's happening?! Can't.. control....

*crash noises, cat screams, tire rim rolling*

Poetry?

Hey you! Let us through!

We are thoughts, single draughts

About discovery, beginnings, and change

We are small, yes indeed

With a powerful energy

To harm and heal at your beckoning wish

To empower your faith and expose your wretchedness

Lately your impatience has taken its toll

To cause us to roam where we shant not go

A temple divided, yet strong in its faith

But to jump the gun and quicken your paces

Will not get you further in the greatest of races

Be calm

Be still

Sing a song

Pray a lil' (Orrr... a lot!)

Without a clue of what to do

Do you believe you shall be carried through?

Will you fight the current and be so darn urgent

To achieve enough to earn your stuff?

Relax, breathe, get your head out of the hole

For your life is not encompassed in a little fish bowl

There is a picture, you're a string

Amidst a woven tapestry

With many threads; harmony depends

On how you treat those to your right and left

Harmony shimmers with a gleam like gold

Hindered when restlessness rattles the soul

You have a guide with all of the answers

To relieve your burdens which poison like cancers

Remember, you have died to a thing you call self

Love is your guide, the choice is made daily

Stop living a life governed on effort or desire

But on God's greater power-- relentless mercy.

So breathe a little deeper, steady your pace

God is in control of your finishing this race.

Okay okay. I definitely am nervous about this year.

September 4th, 2011.

By any sane and logical standards, this semester is gonna be awesome.

But nonetheless, I feel like I'm about to go on stage! And it's nerve-wracking!

My heart beats so fast because I am afraid.

Why am I afraid? Because I don't want to overbook myself this year.

"Fear not, for I am with thee."

I wish to live this out with my whooooole heart.

Its just hard. I am so nervous for this year to start.

I guess my biggest concern is whether I am going to like the theatre department here.

We haven't exactly clicked yet, and this year will show me a lot.

I mean, I COULD just trudge through it, regardless of my feelings.

But sometimes... I just feel too Republican to be an actor. :P

Too "I need to DO something for people tangibly--" but I know this is silly.

God created me very specifically, and if there's anything I've learned, its that

GOD CAN DO ANYTHING.

He can mold me, shape me, refine me, into whatever He needs.

It is my job to submit and go with it, yo.

So that is why I should not worry.

"He's got the whooole world, in his hands. He's got the whoooole world, in His hands.

He's got the whooole world, in his hands. He's got the whole world in His hands."